Log in

Brief update

Still worried about Trump, but somewhat happier after learning that he at least didn't win the popular vote even if he got the electoral one. Hoping he will get impeached quickly and that even the Republicans will get tired of him, though I'll try not to be over optimistic.

Might try Wordpress as an alternative to Tumblr if the Tumblr community dries up before I get there. I guess we'll see.

And one other thing

Pretty much any reservations I have about going to Tumblr at this point have vanished. I'm starting to think that half the stuff I heard about "scary SJWs" was me getting trolled pretty hard. So, I hope to hurry up on setting up a blog there and I'll make sure to provide a link so that anyone reading this can check me out if they feel like it.


Well, I voted against him, but it didn't work, so...

I'm sorry for the anti-liberal views against "social justice warriors" I've held over the past three years ago. I'm also sorry for continuing to think that feminism is bad that it means hating men. I had this idea in my head that just because I did a lot of jerkish things a few years ago to people in the name of liberalism, and that some people sometimes forget to be compassionate with their liberalism, that liberalism was bad. With this whole...Trump...thing...I see I was wrong.

If God exists, maybe this is a sign from she or he that I need to do something. I'm not sure what. I guess I'll keep trying to be more nice, but be more aggressively nice, if that makes any sense.

There was a fanfic where a robot Celestia AI made everyone who asked into an immortal virtual pony. I...kinda want that to be real now.

Another thing...I'm thinking I need to think more carefully about the concept of "chaos" in regards to all this. People often use chaos to mean randomness...but sometimes it means a very specific kind of determinism, where each change, each choice, funnels into an unavoidable outcome. I guess I'll try to think of what choices I made might have led to this nightmarish state of the U.S., and try to do the opposite in the future.

Probably about time to move on

I'll continue using this journal for various private purposes, but I think I'm pretty much done trying to think of public posts for a while. IRL is starting to slow down a bit, so maybe in the near future I'll finally set up that new Tumblr blog. Don't want to be a "social justice warrior," but at the same time I want to try not to start any fights with people.

Planning on posting a link to the new blog here whenever it starts to, well, exist. There's hundreds of things I would have done differently during my time on LJ if I could turn back time, and I wish I hadn't thoughtlessly wounded so many people emotionally, but maybe I can do things better the second time around. People probably will get offended by some of my interests, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try to be kind.


Still thinking about eventually getting a tumblr even if I don't like the politics there much. This journal will still be useful as an archive though, even after I do that.

Out for a while

Well, technically I've been "out" from the beginning of the year since I haven't been posting, but I'll be out of town and possibly with limited to no internet access for about a week. Life's been getting a bit less busy, so maybe I'll have more to say when I get back.
Probably going to be thinking of more things to post on here, though I'll be thinking a lot more carefully about what I'll be writing. I may eventually get a new blog somewhere else, but I have no plans to delete this place, and I'll very likely be checking back here every now and then for as long as I have reason to believe there are people I know using LJ.

A reminder to myself

Well, so much for not posting until next week.

I really need to stop valuing "normality" so highly. I need to keep trying to find some sort of way towards financial Independence, yeah, but I need to be...more honest with myself and stop pretending I'm "normal." I feel like I'm more...mature than I was a few years ago, if you define "mature" as being "cautious," but I don't think I'll ever totally progress beyond the level of an adolescent in terms of of my age in the mental and emotional sense, no matter how much I age physically. I'm not sure if that makes me mentally challenged. I do know that at least part of the way I wound up damaging or destroying a lot of my old relationships with people online was treating "mentally challenged" or "not neurotypical" as "stupid." So...I'm not really sure what kind of unusual thing I am, but I need to start accepting that I'm some flavor of unusual if I want to make it anywhere and if I want more people to trust me.

I finally got another job for a while this year, after spending so much time searching since 2010. I only lasted for a hilariously short three weeks, but at least I got canned for reasons I didn't mind so much, even though I was disappointed that my "big break" wasn't what I thought it was. The company was a third party call center that had a somewhat shady tactic of just hiring a bunch of people all at once yearly without vetting them for experience, just to boost their employment numbers to look good in the eyes of their clients. So, I was one of the unlucky sods getting thrown into their training program without knowing that it wasn't going to do much good if I hadn't worked in customer service before. I got put on real calls, and...well, I wasn't prepared, and it was embarrassing, but I learned to at least do well enough to last enough days to get a somewhat respectable paycheck before I started getting a lot of passive aggressive signals that I needed to leave. I was at least happy that I got fired because I didn't know enough about what I was doing to stay on permanently, and not because I did anything crazy like crying in public or anything else that could have gone on my record or put me in jail.

That does, of course, pose the question of where my future is going, so...I'm starting to think I may just have to go back to school at some time in the near future. I can't do it right now, sadly, but I'm not really seeing many other clear options right now besides finding some way to go back and study for Master's in English, since in retrospect I was foolish to think I'd get anywhere with just a Bachelor's alone. It feels like a longshot, but I feel like I'm beholden to myself to try it when I can.

Getting back to something similar to my original point, though, I also feel I need to...rethink how I view others. I really need to remember to have empathy towards people struggling with their education since it's...frighteningly apparent that lots and lots of people don't know where they're going, and that it's much, much harder to know how to have a "secure future" these days than just "get Bachelor's, go look at classified ads."

...I should probably try for something less serious in the next entry I do. I guess I didn't quite feel right jumping back into video games, toys, and general nerd stuff again yet. So, looking forward to getting back into the escapist stuff when I get the fire for it.

*rises from grave, coughs up dirt*

I haven't posted publicly in this thing in years. Given the awful way I was treating people at I left, I figured I'd need a long, long time to sort myself out before I spoke up again. I had a lot of issues back then that had been building up over about three for four years at the least, and the only way I could make progress on any of them was admitting that I'd been pretty dishonest with myself since I graduated from university.

I don't think I'll be posting much til at least next week. But maybe I'll be using my journal again off and on until I get bored with it. Some people jumped ship to Tumblr when Livejournal became less popular, but that's not something I'm ready to do right now, I don't like Tumblr's interface or its culture, and don't know how to work around them. I also don't know how to explain why I don't like those things without coming across as something of a douche, so I'll save that for later.

Uh...whoops. ^_^;

First of all...I wasn't sure I should say this, since I didn't know if it would sound sincere, but...well, I'm sorry. Really, really sorry, especially in Synjo's case, since, out of everyone, he's probably the most bewildered by my random out of character behavior, and rightfully so.

I wasn't thinking on with my head on straight last night. And well...I haven't been thinking with my head on straight for about three years now, really.

I'm...feeling a lot better now. Ferg and Jamey took me aside last night to talk a while, so I could calm down and realize I lost my head. I'm...actually having a very good day today. Been...getting things done, taking care of business.

I'm going to have type up a longer explanation of this later, but the gist of it is...I got to the point where I thought it was better to be a jerk then to be a whiner. I started to think that internet trolls were the pinnacle of human evolution. The thing is...trolls are bullies, and bullies tend to be cowards. And cowards tend to whine, so that puts me back at square one.

I'm not happy that I'm driving people away with my actions...but I've come to a certain peace with it, and realized it's not the end of the world. I'm not really sure who I was last night...but you guys were right, it wasn't me.

I've just...been wearing a mask too long. Convinced I need to be "badass"...whatever that means. I don't need to be badass. I just...need to be human again, as awkward as that sounds.

I hope to have another entry up tomorrow elaborating further on things.