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Uh...whoops. ^_^;

First of all...I wasn't sure I should say this, since I didn't know if it would sound sincere, but...well, I'm sorry. Really, really sorry, especially in Synjo's case, since, out of everyone, he's probably the most bewildered by my random out of character behavior, and rightfully so.

I wasn't thinking on with my head on straight last night. And well...I haven't been thinking with my head on straight for about three years now, really.

I'm...feeling a lot better now. Ferg and Jamey took me aside last night to talk a while, so I could calm down and realize I lost my head. I'm...actually having a very good day today. Been...getting things done, taking care of business.

I'm going to have type up a longer explanation of this later, but the gist of it is...I got to the point where I thought it was better to be a jerk then to be a whiner. I started to think that internet trolls were the pinnacle of human evolution. The thing is...trolls are bullies, and bullies tend to be cowards. And cowards tend to whine, so that puts me back at square one.

I'm not happy that I'm driving people away with my actions...but I've come to a certain peace with it, and realized it's not the end of the world. I'm not really sure who I was last night...but you guys were right, it wasn't me.

I've just...been wearing a mask too long. Convinced I need to be "badass"...whatever that means. I don't need to be badass. I just...need to be human again, as awkward as that sounds.

I hope to have another entry up tomorrow elaborating further on things.


( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 27th, 2011 07:43 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're feeling better, because deep down, I sure as hell ain't.
Jan. 27th, 2011 07:49 pm (UTC)
Well...not "feeling better" in the sense that I've forgotten everything that's happened and all the people I've hurt. Just that I don't hate myself anymore.

I'm not happy that you're unhappy...and I realize it's going to take a long, long time for you to trust me again. It's just that...now I've calmed down enough to realize I can wait that long. I've...gotten over myself, basically.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 27th, 2011 07:56 pm (UTC)
I don't want to make any promises...to say anything overly optimistic...but if you ever do feel you need to talk to me about anything, feel free. I don't...know what I'll say, in my current state, but the offer is certainly open.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 27th, 2011 08:05 pm (UTC)
I guess I'll just have to keep trying to be the kind of person I used to be. I wound up...forgetting what love was, for the most part. Maybe if I can remember what it was like, I can help you in some way. Or at least keep myself from getting worse.
Jan. 27th, 2011 08:08 pm (UTC)
Blazey, as a friend and someone who has too much experience with this, I'm telling you right now, LET IT BE. Don't try to push the issue, don't try to push the conversation more, don't try to get Sletia to talk with you. It's not the right time, neither of you are in the right mindset...it's not going to end well if you keep on insisting on this.
Jan. 27th, 2011 08:09 pm (UTC)
That actually sounds very smart, come to think of it. Thank you Synjo.
Jan. 27th, 2011 08:15 pm (UTC)
Yeah, it does. You're going back to that impulsive nature that got you in trouble again, hounding Sletia to talk with you and hanging on to her again like you did last time. You're giving no thought to how your actions are affecting her, and are focused on solving your own problems, expecting her to be willing to take you back and care for you despite what you did. That isn't right, and you know it. Yes, you do need to work on your your own behavior, but don't drag others into it thinking that you need their support to make you better; remember the argument I had on Ken's board about how people wanted everyone to worship Sonic and saying that he didn't need any character development, because his nakama can point out his flaws and strengths for him? That's what you're doing, expecting others to critique and correct your problems for you. I'm not saying an outside observer isn't good to help catch behavior that you yourself are unaware of, but you should NOT expect them to do that and fix your life for you.
Jan. 27th, 2011 08:20 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I really...need to deprogram myself out of a lot of negative patterns I've built up over the last few years. No one can do that but me. I can't rely entirely on others' opinion of me.

I guess I didn't really give that impression in my last couple entries, but IRL is going very well for me right now. My maturity from offline doesn't seem to translate very well online, though. I think that may be because I'm using the internet as a way to dump the emotions I don't show in real life...and most of those end up being negative.
Jan. 27th, 2011 08:40 pm (UTC)
As the others say, words mean nothing without actions to back them up, so as they say on the internet, "pics or it didn't happen". Don't just SAY that you've matured and are feeling better IRL, make it happen, show it happening. And honestly, I don't think any one of us believes (including yourself) that you could be doing better for you in the span of just one night. There isn't any magic cure to this, just hard work, introspection, and empathy training.

To be honest, if you're available, I'd like to talk with you about this on IM, right now; you'd be surprised at how much experience I have with this kind of thing, and what I know about how to deal with it.
Jan. 27th, 2011 08:45 pm (UTC)
She's lucky to have friends like you. I tried.. I really did.

Jan. 27th, 2011 08:57 pm (UTC)
It's not your fault; like I said, I've got a ton of experience with this kind of thing, and unfortunately, half of the time the result of that experience is "cut my losses and run". I'm a firm believer of only helping those who want to help themselves, and I've run into more than one person who was so steeped in the kind of behavior and attitude Blazey was exhibiting last night, that it was like a crash test dummy trying to talk down a wall it was about to run into at 60 miles per hour. Not fun in the least, and robs my time from stuff I could be doing to solve my own or help solve someone else's problems.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 28th, 2011 04:28 am (UTC)
Yes it can be. I had a hard time walking away myself a couple months ago. In fact I realized that I can't, not fully. I don't know if you can, or even if you want to. I guess you must do what your heart tells you.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 28th, 2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
I felt that way for a while myself. I almost did completely cut off contact with her. It does hurt like hell. I just hope with time the pain will become less for you and you can have some sort of friendship or something with Ter. Good luck, no matter what you do, Sel.
Jan. 27th, 2011 07:48 pm (UTC)
I think you should possibly step back and consider what you've just said here. While what you did in your last post may have been uncharacteristic of you by your own judgment and your friends' judgments, it is still you. It is a part of you. That's who you are when confronted with that kind of situation. What does it tell you about yourself, and how you deal with your problems? What are your motivations?

And remember that just because you feel better now that it doesn't mean you should get complacent with the situation and try to dismiss it until it goes away (only to inevitably return when your friends get pissed off again).
Jan. 27th, 2011 07:50 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I...think you're very right. The problem, as I see it, is that I've been both bottling up my anger until I explode, and sabotaging myself so that I can barely feel anything but anger. So...I really need to stop being so pointlessly cynical.
Jan. 27th, 2011 08:04 pm (UTC)
What you need is to learn how to look and think before you commit to anything; you were really acting like a spoiled child, impulsive to a fault and throwing a tantrum when things don't go your way, even though it's clear that you have no idea HOW you want it to go. The menage a quatre is a good example; you jumped into it out of impulse, with no sense of what you want or how you want it, and as a result, your indecision cost you all of your friends that were involved in it.
Jan. 27th, 2011 08:08 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I agree about the multi-relationship thing. I think I agree with first part...is that about the post from last night though? If so...yeah, that was a real bad idea. I figured the opposite of "whining" was "anger", and I guess I forgot that anger can be whiny. Then again...I was kind of out of my head. Doesn't make it right, just means that I really didn't consider the consequences of my actions last night. Like a spoiled child, acting on almost pure emotion.
Jan. 29th, 2011 02:09 am (UTC)
This whole apology post just made it look like you're falling back on the same problematic behavior again. You get called on your behavior and you turn around and go "oops! that wasn't what people wanted to hear! here's the me you wanted to see, instead! problem solved, I'm over myself, move along!"
Jan. 27th, 2011 09:33 pm (UTC)
I'm glad that you're doing better today than yesterday. I'd give a longer comment, but honestly, i'd rather do it over AIM or somewhere else private. Besides, I have to leave now anyway.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 28th, 2011 05:14 pm (UTC)
Ter and I talked online a bit last night, and, as rude as it sounds, I pretty much told her to forget what others think of her and just be herself. As far as I can tell, she's been too busy trying to please everyone, which inevitably will backfire much more often than it'll help. It's impossible to please EVERYONE, you just have to please yourself and hope that those who say they are your friends can accept you for that.
Sep. 6th, 2011 11:44 pm (UTC)
Completely unrelated to your actual post, buuuttt...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I hope it's been a good one.
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )


Blazey Bakeneko

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