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A reminder to myself

Well, so much for not posting until next week.

I really need to stop valuing "normality" so highly. I need to keep trying to find some sort of way towards financial Independence, yeah, but I need to be...more honest with myself and stop pretending I'm "normal." I feel like I'm more...mature than I was a few years ago, if you define "mature" as being "cautious," but I don't think I'll ever totally progress beyond the level of an adolescent in terms of of my age in the mental and emotional sense, no matter how much I age physically. I'm not sure if that makes me mentally challenged. I do know that at least part of the way I wound up damaging or destroying a lot of my old relationships with people online was treating "mentally challenged" or "not neurotypical" as "stupid." So...I'm not really sure what kind of unusual thing I am, but I need to start accepting that I'm some flavor of unusual if I want to make it anywhere and if I want more people to trust me.

I finally got another job for a while this year, after spending so much time searching since 2010. I only lasted for a hilariously short three weeks, but at least I got canned for reasons I didn't mind so much, even though I was disappointed that my "big break" wasn't what I thought it was. The company was a third party call center that had a somewhat shady tactic of just hiring a bunch of people all at once yearly without vetting them for experience, just to boost their employment numbers to look good in the eyes of their clients. So, I was one of the unlucky sods getting thrown into their training program without knowing that it wasn't going to do much good if I hadn't worked in customer service before. I got put on real calls, and...well, I wasn't prepared, and it was embarrassing, but I learned to at least do well enough to last enough days to get a somewhat respectable paycheck before I started getting a lot of passive aggressive signals that I needed to leave. I was at least happy that I got fired because I didn't know enough about what I was doing to stay on permanently, and not because I did anything crazy like crying in public or anything else that could have gone on my record or put me in jail.

That does, of course, pose the question of where my future is going, so...I'm starting to think I may just have to go back to school at some time in the near future. I can't do it right now, sadly, but I'm not really seeing many other clear options right now besides finding some way to go back and study for Master's in English, since in retrospect I was foolish to think I'd get anywhere with just a Bachelor's alone. It feels like a longshot, but I feel like I'm beholden to myself to try it when I can.

Getting back to something similar to my original point, though, I also feel I need to...rethink how I view others. I really need to remember to have empathy towards people struggling with their education since it's...frighteningly apparent that lots and lots of people don't know where they're going, and that it's much, much harder to know how to have a "secure future" these days than just "get Bachelor's, go look at classified ads."

...I should probably try for something less serious in the next entry I do. I guess I didn't quite feel right jumping back into video games, toys, and general nerd stuff again yet. So, looking forward to getting back into the escapist stuff when I get the fire for it.

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Blazey Bakeneko

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