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This is going to be long and self-indulgent, so I'll put it behind a cut.

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Hi. Just a generic "I'm not dead" post. Hope to explain exactly where I've been all this time before long, but for now I want to spend some time today actually talking to people, trying to get my social life back in order.

I really need to transcribe that voice post I did a while back, too...Maybe I might make another one in the near future if I can think of something worth talking about.
I've recently looked back on a few of my LJ posts from the last two years, and sometimes I was felt like cringing.

I don't view this as being entirely a bad thing, though. I feel that the fact that I see these writings in the past, and feel so shocked and repulsed by how naive I was, shows that I've come a long way on some level, even though I still have a long way to go in terms of maturity and self-discovery.

Comics, love, and demons

First off...

A while ago, I'd decided to go on a hiatus from reading the Archie Sonic comic. I'd been following the current writer's work for a few years, first through second hand accounts of the book's events that were written on various websites, and later through online scans on the "Tails Kicks Ass" site.

I've decided that I can't say for certain whether or not I'll keep reading for completely stop reading the book. I've grown tired of Ian Flynn's work, but at the same time, I figure I should keep myself open to reading the publication if I find a good reason to do so.

I still want to review the "Semi-Blaze Arc" that is Treasure Team Tango whenever it concludes. I don't like Flynn's work enough to plan on subscribing while he's still on the book, but at the same time I don't plan to cut monetary ties to Archie Sonic altogether. I plan on holding on to any physical copies of Archie Sonic that I wind up getting through Jazwares action figure twinpacks, even the ones written by Flynn. The man's writing bores and sometimes even angers me, but not enough to physically destroy issues of the comic. I'll probably buy trade paperbacks of the older, non-Flynn issues of the book whenever I feel it's financially sensible to begin doing so.

Um...so with that rant out of the way, I'll try to take a crack at being spiritual again.

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Take me to the future of you all

This will probably be very self-indulgent and very long, just you know what you're getting into.

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Edit: Just for clarification: I kind of botched up my sentence structure in the beginning. XD Jamey and I have known each other for much longer than two months. ^_^ What I meant to say was that we probably weren't discussing Dr. Who with each other right away when we met.

Hoping to have a transcription for this voice post up sometime soon.

606K 3:43
“Hi everyone, I'm doing a voice post for the first time in a long while, it's probably going to be really short because I'm just kind of experimenting right now...kinda don't wanna try anything too long because then I run out of ideas...and when I run out of ideas, there's awkward silence, and awkward silence is well...awkward. Obviously.

So, just wanted to touch upon a couple key little things, one about action figures and one about video games. Veedeo games. Yes, I'm Ren Hoek now, apparently.

But anyways, um...My friend Jamey has been, since we've known each other...well, maybe not that long, maybe a couple months into our friendship...has been kinda helping me learn about this franchise that I'm not really too knowledgeable about, Doctor Who, it's this long running Science Fiction series. Given that I really like action figures, articulated toys, I was pretty...pretty happy to learn more about the action figure line based on the show. My main area of action figure geekery is actually Transformers. And some Transformers have this gimmick where you shine a light into the back of their heads...and their eyes glow. It turns out that a few Cyberman toys that are based on the Doctor Who story Silver Nemesis, they actually do this too. It looks really great in the dark, since the figures have these two ghostly eyes staring you, all creepily and all. So, that was pretty cool 'cause it's kind of a little action feature type thing that I wasn't expecting. I kind of figured most Doctor Who toys just gave you the basic sculpt, paint, poseability and...maybe some accessories. I wasn't expecting them to go out of their way to do something more unusual...but it was a nice surprise.

Anyways, I also downloaded Sonic 4 for the Wii earlier this week, when it came out. I liked it a lot more than I thought I would...I was pretty sure I was going to like it...but I wasn't expecting it to literally make me feel like I was a kid again. I really enjoyed it...Had a hard time sometimes, but I thought it was mostly a hard time in a good way, like challenging instead of frustrating...I beat it and got all the emeralds, and I'm really looking forward to the second episode, which should be coming out sometime next year.

I think that's pretty much all I've got. I'd really like to do action figure reviews sometime in the near future, for the Jazwares Sonic and Amy Twinpack, and the big, huge, super poseable Shocker Toys Maxx...and that's pretty much...yeah I said that. Take care y'all, Blaze out.”

Transcribed by: violettsukino

All right then.

Been a long...long time since I've posted in this thing.

I've been...feeling better over the past week or so. Been more social. Talking to people a lot more online, can't remember the last time I used invisible mode on AIM. Feeling better about myself in general, as well, though can't really think of the words as to why. Maybe for now, that's for the best.

I think that it was, in early September, a big step for me to more or less come out and say "I hate myself." I guess the first step to changing is often admitting that you have a problem.

I've had to own up to the fact that a lot of my anxiety about myself and about approaching my friends was due to still being hung up on Jai. What I mean is...I was terrified of becoming a stalker. I looked upon the entire time I'd known him, and what I saw was me manipulating a man through guilt to pretend to be my friend. And I was afraid that I'd do that to someone else.

I've had to try to stop blaming myself like that. I've had to admit to myself that, from my perspective, the whole friendship with Jai was an abusive relationship. I doubt that Jai intended it to be like that, and maybe on some level I was abusive towards him. But still...looking back, I was acting like a battered spouse. I kept telling myself that it was my fault for upsetting him, for talking back, for not knowing my place. I kept telling myself that he only ever hurt me because he cared.

I can't live that way. I can't discard Jai as worthless...I need to separate the actions from the person. I never really knew him, to be honest.

But I need to take responsibility, to think for myself. I can't live as a victim for the rest of my life. If I do that, not only do I destroy myself, but I keep myself from helping other people. I would, effectively, drown myself in my past, in my own unhealthy attachments.

I keep telling myself that I am doomed to failure. I keep denying myself confidence and ambition because I believe those things will make me into a cruel monster.

But right now, nothing could be more cruel than to let myself stagnate, to act like a coward, to abandon the few yet very important people who need me to make their lives a little

I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Maybe not that much different, but the journey starts with the first step.

People may scoff at my words, thinking they are just that. Pretty words. That I'm incapable of changing, that I'll always be going in circles.

I may be clumsy, I may be immature, I may be a lot of things, but I am not incapable of learning. I see that now.

Maybe this post is self-important. Maybe it's pretentious. But maybe it needs to be. I wouldn't call myself a hero. I'm still very selfish, still afraid of my own shadow in many ways.

But I can be a hero in time. I need to believe that, given enough time and effort, that I can change. And then maybe I can change things for a few other people too. And maybe someday, even if it's not in this life, I can help change worlds.
So, further explanations, since I didn't show yesterday either. ^_^;;

On the day I posted the last entry, my mother had asked me if I wanted to set up an appointment for a blood test for cholesterol, since...well, I had one last year, so she figured I should probably have one this years. I didn't want to complain or upset her, so I quickly agreed.

And really, well, I didn't have a reason to complain. We set up the appointment yesterday, and today I had the test done. Between those times, I couldn't eat anything, which was sort of annoying, but it really wasn't the sort of thing I should pay much mind too, given that there are people in the world slowly dying of starvation.

Er...anyway, on a less morbid note, I wholeheartedly acknowledge that me not showing over the past couple days was my fault. I could have made IMing easily fit around the whole blood test thing, but I didn't plan ahead, didn't get up in the morning like I should have, and things got well, wonky.

I unfortunately can't show today either, since I'll be meeting up with my sis and her husband to watch awful movies. ^_^;; Which should be fun for me, but I thought I should let you guys know since I've been sort of a clumsy ditz over the past couple days. Still, I'm feeling a lot better, and am looking forward to hopefully signing on tomorrow, especially since the last time I signed on, the fact that I was able to touch base with friends actually helped boost my self-esteem.

So...yeah. Hope that sheds some light on things. ^_^;;

Quick update

Hey all. Just thought I'd leave a note here to elaborate on my absence today. Felt kinda drained, and I'm not sure why. I think it was probably because I slept in way too late. I figure I'll try to wake up bright and early tomorrow so I'll have more energy.

Had a lot of fun IMing people last night, though, so hopefully tomorrow I can do it again, and hopefully I can get to responding to unanswered comments on this blog.

Guess that's all for now.